Happy Holidays?

November and December are thick with holidays. Single day holidays, like Christmas, are often tough one for divorced parents to share. Maybe one parent has Christmas Eve and the other parent has Christmas Day. Maybe you share the day. Maybe you alternate so the children are exchanged on a completely different day like the 26th or after. Any way you slice it, there needs to be a plan in place ahead of time so both households can make plans and manage expectations.

If you already have a parenting plan in place, now is the perfect time to check in with your co-parent to make sure everyone is on the same page - especially if you're still getting used to this whole co-parenting thing. You may be absolutely certain that the exchange time is 12:00pm on the 25th. But maybe in the emotional flurry of divorce your co-parent forgot a detail and thinks the exchange is 2:00pm? Or what if something has come up with either of your extended families and the time needs to be tweaked? Now is the perfect time to check in and be sure you're all clear.

When there is a lot of tension in your co-parenting relationship, it may be difficult to communicate about anything. As much as you might not want to, it may help prevent a nuclear explosion if you reach out to confirm plans. Try to use softening language like "I'm just double checking" or "I just want to make sure we're on the same page." This can make it sound less like you're assuming that they have it wrong or are going to mess it up (even if you are) and can help them to not feel defensive. If you've talked about plan on the phone, following up with an email or text can help clarify because then it's in writing for you both to refer back.

If you want to modify the plan for any reason, ask your coparent (nicely!) if it’s okay with them and give them time to consider your request. For example, let’s say you’re supposed to be with the children on Christmas Day beginning at 3:00pm but a favorite uncle will be in town only until 2:00pm. You can ask your coparent if the exchange time can be moved from 3:00pm to 12:00pm and then give them at least a week to consider your request, if possible.

If you are asking for this kind of favor, keep in mind it is a favor that you are asking of them, which means they have the right to say no. In addition to giving them time to consider your request, the way you ask it is also important, of course. Try something like "I have a favor to ask," or "Can I run something by you to see if it's okay on your end?" Phrasing it like that clearly puts the favor where it belongs. This can make it easier for them to say yes.

Both of these techniques - giving plenty of time to consider the plans or request and using softening language - can be helpful not just around the holidays but also during regular weekly or monthly scheduling plans. No matter what happened to get you where you are as co-parents, now it's all about the kid and doing your best to ease their stress during these transitions. As hard as it might be to work this stuff out with someone you  can't stand, keep in mind how hard it is for your child to emotionally navigate all the back and forth. Try to take care of business now so all everyone sees this season is stuffed stockings, flying reindeer, and sugarplum fairies. Happy Holidays!